missiondeterminant | [IC Inbox

[ Claiming. He's right, in a way. People make a lot of claims at what they're okay with but there's a reason she didn't tell anyone what she was for so long still. Even fewer know the depths that she'd sunk.

People can say they're 'okay' with things but are they really? ]

Concern you how?

They way they talk about the Null that's still here, referring to it as a 'synthetic' rather then as a Null, despite the Null being specifically who they have issues with. Discussions of the Door and whether it's alive enough to give orders, as though that's all that matters. The fact that few people can come up with an actual reason for siding with the gods, and those that have often based their decision on information provided to them by the gods themselves. Some people couldn't even keep their own stories straight in their attempts to explain their objectivity.

[And then, suddenly, he realizes he's kind of gone into a small rant despite his voice remaining pretty much calm the whole time. But it's frustrating, and he's really not impressed with most of the people he's met here, let alone convinced they wouldn't suddenly turn on anyone they might in the future decide are potentially too like the Null.

He also really doesn't like the discussion of potentially living beings only being worth what they can be useful for, and that's an entirely separate issue but just as important of one.]

I just call it Name, [ she says, after giving his words a moment to sink in. She'd listened to it all quietly, stopping what she was doing to give him her attention. His voice didn't change at all but she could tell it was clearly something he needed to get off his chest.

Also, she's kind of honored that he told her at all. All things considered. ] That's what it wants to be called, so. It is a Null though, just like I'm a yokai even if I hardly act like one.

As for The Door, I don't know. I'm curious about it - if it is another god, mostly. I'm not planning to go home though so I don't care about trying to figure out if we can tell it what to do. I guess it would seem kind of shitty though, yeah, that that's all some people are focused on. I'd rather work with it if possible.

With the gods, I dunno. I'm subjective as hell about it and I know it. I like them for my own reasons and kind of in the minority there.

[Although Connor really did need to just kind of go off for a moment--and certainly needs to do more talking at some point--he feels almost... Embarrassed, maybe, at having done so to someone who's basically a stranger. So he's totally quiet while she responds, staring at one of the sad-looking plants as he listens, hidden LED cycling yellow.

He notes her opinions on the different matters and dislikes the last one, but at least she seems to recognize that her reasons are subjective and that's fine; he disagrees on sheer principle about liking the gods, but her having some sort of specific personal reason why she does is different from just the blind following some here seem to be partaking in.

And he does like her answer about the Door, and about Name, although he only addresses one thing in specific he definitely didn't miss her mentioning--]

A yokai?

[He knows the word and what it means, but he's not going to assume any specifics considering this place.]

Spirit. Apparition. Demon. There's a lot of different words for us, but- Yeah. That's me.

[ Sometimes she thinks to four years ago when no one knew. How it took her two to tell anyone. Now? Anyone is welcome to the information. It's strange. ]

Don't look like one, huh? Or act like one.

All of those words mean vastly different things depending on language and culture.

[So he can't say whether or not she acts like one, but he's being pedantic just for the sake of clarity. He understands the sentiment well enough, his expression softening a little.]

But I would not have, at first glance, presumed you were anything other than human. It seems to be the default assumption here in general.

[He says the last statement with a tone that's just faintly lighter than neutral, not stating anything outright just yet but feeling it's okay to go ahead and drop a hint.]

Good to know I'm doing a good job of blending in still.

[ She not's actively trying anymore though these days. She still hasn't quite reached the level of comfort of having her ears and tail out whenever but... Maybe someday, he'll get to see. Just like maybe someday, she'll get to be fascinated with his LED. ]

And it is the assumption most people make. But I've found it interesting how often we're all wrong.

Why did you choose to try to blend in?

[Even if she's not doing so as purposefully anymore, it still seems she's letting people assume she's human and Connor's interested in why. He is, after all, doing the same thing.]

It's a bit of a non-issue here since, like I said, most people are pretty cool. But back home? My kind are hunted.

For good reason, admittedly. A lot of us are fucking awful. Kill and eat people, that kind of stuff. I don't [ not anymore, at least, but let's not get into that ] but most hunters don't seem to care about much beyond the fact that I'm a yokai once they find out. So I got a glamour, decided to just lay low and live among people best I could.

[Connor is quiet several seconds at that, taking it all in and unable to avoid drawing parallels between her situation and his, along with everything going on in his world. As she describes them it isn't as though yokai and deviant androids are exactly comparable--almost all deviants he's aware of are only dangerous out of self-defense--but he doesn't know enough to say that maybe her species isn't just doing what it has to. Besides, it's not like humans aren't often horrific just for fun.

He weighs options and possibilities for another second or so, the moments feeling much longer for him as his processor speeds up and stretches out his sense of time, but he comes to a decision.]

I mentioned the conflict in my world when we last spoke, between humans and machines; the machines--androids--have begun to develop emotions and free will, which many humans consider a threat. Therefore those androids are being hunted down, and so some have taken to blending in with humans themselves.

[He hesitates just another moment, before pushing the brim of his beanie up just enough on the right side of his head to reveal the soft blue glow of his LED.]

Considering the sentiments of some of the population here, it's seemed like the best course of action to continue doing so for now.

[ She squints at the LED and gives a gentle tilt of her head to get a better look at it. A very canine sort of gesture. Not that he knows she's technically part canine yet. Maybe soon, really, since they seem to be sharing. ]

I'm sorry, [ she says, first and foremost. ] People defintely are a little... unpredictable when it comes to stuff they don't understand. [ Like machines suddenly developing feelings. But if made in man's image, what did they really expect? And if was so unfathomable to them that humans and demons could be anything close to the same; nevermind the fact that she's seen humans more like demons than her own kind. ]

Your secret's still safe with me but- I'm glad you told me. I'd like to think you're obviously different enough from the Null it wouldn't be a problem but, y'know. I get it. Kind of an awkward place to be in.

[ A beat. ]

Is that the only thing? That shows that you're an android, I mean. Other than the dirt thing but you probably just don't go around licking stuff for fun.

[ Or, like, if he does no judgement. ]

[He watches her reaction carefully, both with his eyes and his scanners, for any indication she might be faking her understanding and sympathy, but she seems to be genuine.

So he nods, in both gratitude and agreement, pulling his hat down again as he answers.]

My blood is blue, although if a situation arises in which that's apparent to people then I likely have larger concerns than being revealed to be an android.

[Like that there's no replacement thirium or other important components here. He really needs to figure out what to do about that, but replacement parts and the like for non-biological beings doesn't seem to be much of a priority here, which is another thing he's noticed and filed away mentally.]

Your blood is blue? That's wild. Some demons bleed green or purple but I've never seen blue.

[ The ice apparitions might, she thinks, but she'd never seen one bleed. She has red blood, which is good for blending in at least. ]

I mean, like, agreed. If you're bleeding all over the place, I hope no one here is really gonna care what color it is. Thankfully, things haven't been too intense lately...

[Green or purple sound similarly unusual to him, not to mention demons in general, but he's genuinely fascinated by all these things he's been hearing about different worlds. So he files that away in his memory, addressing her last comment.]

It has been relatively quiet, in the time I've been here. I've heard that's unusual?

Yeah, I think it's because we hopped worlds... pretty recently. I don't doubt something wild is going to happen soon, honestly. It's usually just long enough that we get a break before everything gets hecked up again.

[ Or, at least, it feels that way. ]

[Well that's... Foreboding, maybe? He isn't sure what the feeling is, but any time he thinks too much about what he read happens here it causes a feeling he doesn't like, and so he tries not to cause it.]

Do you think that's on purpose?

[Like in an interrogation, where it's often best to bounce between calm and aggressive, to throw the suspect off and make them more susceptible to reacting. That would serve the gods here best, wouldn't it? If the point is to extract emotions?]

[ Ominous, yes. It kind of is. ]

Yeah, actually. It's been too consistent almost not to be. Actually, I had talked with Sorrow once about us needing a break occasionally from all the depressing stuff-

Now, I almost wish I hadn't. Feels like they let the "good" gods take over just long enough before it all sucks again.

But you're still sympathetic toward them?

[He doesn't say it accusingly, because she'd told him her opinion in good faith and he's willing to give her the benefit of the doubt as to her reasons, but he doesn't get it. Or rather, he does, but doesn't support it.]

Yes.

[ No hesitation. ]

Even though I get frustrated like everyone else with the way things are sometimes, I also. I know what it means to be a "monster" that has to hurt others simply to survive. Wolves don't feel bad for eating sheep; it's just the way the cycle goes. So why should the gods feel bad for feeding off our emotions when that's a necessity for them to live?

I don't blame them for doing what they have to. Especially in the face of extinction. Sorrow said he wanted his family back and when I first got here I'd just lost my pack, so. I get it. I do. I'd have done anything to get them back as well if that had been an option.

But I do hope we can try and find a more... mutually beneficial relationship, at some point. Maybe. Just, like. A better middle ground, at least, where they can get what they need out of us but also give us more in return.

[On one hand, that explanation makes more sense than any other he's heard so far, and it's one he can truly understand.

On the other, he directly disagrees with the justification, and that disagreement is due to personal experience just like Rose's experience caused her to form her option. Connor also knows what it's like to be the hunter, to have it be his nature--to have it be the singular task he was made for-- and for the alternative, if he didn't succeed, to be death. But because of that, and because he had acted on directives and a long-time unrecognized sense of self-preservation, he doesn't even know how many are dead. Two, at least, that he was personally involved in, and then the countless people in Jericho during the attack.

So he can't imagine not feeling the guilt and the weight of it all, not as a being with free will and the ability to feel emotion, and being able to just justify that it was doing what he had to do to survive. Immediate self-defense, like during the Jericho raid when he'd defended Markus and North, he can write off, but... Hurting people who were doing nothing wrong, just so he could live himself, is something he hates himself for and he doesn't consider it an acceptable reason for the gods' actions.

The rush of emotion, unexpected as it is, makes it difficult for him to focus on a response; it's like it clouds his processing, directing so much of it to feeling that he can't concentrate on anything else. It shows on his face, a little, in furrowed eyebrows and a clenched jaw, his fingers curling and uncurling reflexively just to get energy out somewhere as he struggles to control what he's feeling before he finally replies.]

I don't agree, but I understand.

[That's fair, right? And honest, even.]

[ She feels the guilt of it weigh on her almost every single day. Most wolves don't, however, so she can't really say if what she feels is normal or not.

She can tell that what she's said has done something. Whether good or bad, it's actually hard to tell... ]

Well, hey. That's a lot more reasonable than most people. I'm totally fine with agreeing to disagree.

After all, people having different opinions is part of what makes life so interesting, I think.

[IC Inbox | Hadriel]

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